It's nearly 2 years

When Johanna was born on 8 Sep 2008, I imagined it would be the happiest time of my life. However, to be honest, its now the greatest testimony of God's goodness as it was the darkest moment of my journey on Earth (with a laugh).

Within 12 hours after an easy delivery, the hormomal fluctuations resulted in sudden heart palpitations, cold sweat and yup - panick attack. Coupled with severe blood loss due to the delivery, I had excruciating headaches and fainting spells by the very day Jo was born. I could not sleep and almost immediately, doctors suspected thyroid or something worse - post natal depression.

Tests were conducted, and within days, it was confiremd. PND. Yikes.

I had no idea what it was then. What accompanied was 10 days of no sleep (I just can't sleep), excruciating headaches and simply "out of control" feeling. I really don't know what was happening to me, why it was happening to me. I tried to pray - can't. Tried to worship - can't. Yet, through it all, my determined mind got the better of me - I insisted on breast feeding totally.

I was so drained by 3 wks - which then I was still sleeping less than 2hrs a day and virtually not eating anything except painkillers for the headache. I had refused sleeping pills for fear of breast feeding and addiction myself. I was so desperate for a breakthrough. Yet honestly, I felt God so far away. "Why was this happening? Where are you Lord? Is my faith fake?"

People who came to visit got a shock to see me. Yes, I hit the bottom pit when at wk 3 - Jo bit my nipple so hard it bled so bad, I had to stop breastfeeding for a few days to let it heal.

That was God's intervention. He was moving.

When we had to bottle feed Jo due to the nipple issue, I broke down. That release, that cry unplugged all the tiredness and tension in me. I started to be able to pray, worship and read His word. It was break-through point.

Within days, I was back breastfeeding. Though my breastfeeding times coincided with the panick attacks frequently. The Holy Spirit inspired me to meditate on the verses Phil 4:13 as well as Psalm 121 whenever I breastfeed to garner strength to finish the feed. That, went on for 1 year. Slowly, the frequency and intensity of the attacks slowed.

It explains why 1 yr after Jo's birth, that I really regained my health through adequate sleep, diet and exercise. Before that, I was constantly tired and really not myself. :)

My view of why things happen? Yes, darkness was behind it. But God allowed it. Why so cruel? No, He knows there were mindsets in me that needed to change. He also knows I need the breaking.

Brokenness is the mark of Spiritual Maturity. It was necessary for me - I am who I am today,due to that breaking.

I know what matters in life now, abit more than I used to. I also know Christ more than I used to.

I treasure my life alot more.. and life it with a huge sense of purpose.

God be all Glory!

God spoke

One of the most treasured moments I have with the Lord are the extended QT I get when Jo's in school in the morning, 2x a wk. I send her to school, then with bible and devotionals, head off to a nice place for a tea and QT.

And on Wed, I was craving for Mac so went to get a Filet breakfast. On settling down at a comfy seat, I asked the Lord "Father, you know the concerns on my heart, will you speak to me please?"

And He immediately bombarded my heart through my sight, the words on the Mac glass
- Laugh
- Celebrate
- Enjoy * 2
- Smile
- Dream

I was so touched! Felt that the enjoy = my 2 kids and the laughing and smiling comes from celebrating the goodness God will be pouring into my life (or has already poured). As for Dreaming, I know God wants me to arise again.

Yes, years 2006-2010 were years of dying, growing, stretching and renewing. It's a new phase for me. And I am ever excited for 2011.

2011 - Will be great not for what He has installed. But for the fact that He will be with me. :)

Whatever that is pure, true, praiseworthy... think of such things!

Grandma has been coughing for a month already... and Johanna unfortunately caught her cough bug and has been coughing for 2 weeks.

With Grandma, it has gotten so serious that the doctor was concerned it could be more than a normal bug. Wanting to eliminate other possibilities like TB, puemonia or heart problems, I had to bring her to X Ray today.

And at the backdrop of it all, was the threat to Jo and me and my boy boy in my womb. What's the implications should the following be uncovered? Guess there's really alot of threats in that sense..

Today, while standing with Grandma and helper at the Xray area, it suddenly dawned on me I should not even be there as I am pregnant! I quickly excused myself and thank God! Let my helper handle Grandma while I zip off elsewhere to take cover.

Yes, there are threats. But what's the right thing to do? Must take care of Grandma what!

Lord, I do what I need to do, You do what You can do k? You are the only one that heals!

Weekends...

Ever since the flu bug hit my household, I've been having very strenous nights and days for 2 weeks already. I guess it's getting its toil on me.

Emotionally rather frustrated and drained... yet at every junction where you want to "throw in the towel", there's this amazing peace and strength from the Lord to handle things calmly.

But I must admit that today, some of the bottled emotions are stirring in me.. to the extent that I'm getting the gastric reflux again.


Thankful at least, that my husband is with me through this challenging times. Guess I am tempted to be ungrateful and complain and play the blame game.. instead of being at peace that God is in control.

The pursuit of Christian maturity is not as easy as it seem.. but as simple as it is. Just rely on the cross!

I keep telling myself I should blog more for personal sake

Must admit that I am someone who is perfectly happy to eat meals alone, go shopping alone, swim alone or jog alone etc. My husband always jokes that since I am someone who needs so much space and personal time, he finds it rather weird that I actually chose marriage.. or that even the fact that I love children and family. Well God makes everyone unique so I guess like my DISC profile - IC, its one of those funny things I gotta live with about myself!


Well ever since I became a Mum in 2008, I do find that personal time and space squeezed to the limit. Not very good actually, because then I find I get easily overwhelmed and tired. But then again, no regrets. It was a learning curve and journey for me - Having gone through so much transitions like moving house, training a maid, taking care of a 85+++ Grandmother-in-law, my daughter of cos too and new work (I changed from Accountant to Part-Time Auditor) and ministry changes too! I know that even though there were times when I just got so "BUNGED UP" God was ever there for me to run to, to go to... and then the light comes or things made sense. Really "ALL THINGS WORKED FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM!"


So here I am, arrived at a certain composure already, and starting to enjoy and really take things easy. Spending more time with myself is also good.. because then I spend more time with the Lord too and more at peace!

I have arrived at many conclusions and peace with certain relationships in my life.. or rather, certain imposed responsibilities. I know.. its' a conviction that took several years - that I have an over-responsibility issue. Having said that, it often goes into "its the right thing to do" then I end up super upset and miserable on how things should be and I should be. I guess as I journey with the Lord, He is the one that has dealt with the innermost motivations of my heart. I am more aware now that if I were to say "No" or to hesistate at something, its not really a selfish issue, but really, a humility to know my limits and constraints and also, God's timing for my life.

That's major maturity and freedom for me. At 31 yrs. LOL...seems late.. but well, God has His timing!

2010, I will end the year with a wonderful new addition to this family - Boy boy Wu. Haven't finalised what to name him. But I know though its a time of transition again.. I have confidence that as long as God is God of my household... we will sail through with greater joy than before. :)

Motivation

Must admit this book I'm reading recently has caused me to search alot on my thought patterns as well as my desires.

Physically rather tired. Could be due to pregnancy, life-stage.. not sure. But not exactly "on" for anything at the moment. And I've been like this for a long time.

I know these are not my own thoughts, but more so, the Holy-Spirit causing a realisation within me.

Waiting, allowing the breaking to take place, so that God can renew me. Afterall, "those who wait upon on the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar like wings on eagles. They will run and not grow weary, walk and not feel faint." Alignment to Christ. Coming. But not through my own strength, but through His renewal.

My 1st year of marriage

Was reading some newly wed friends facebook status and realise that alot of them have great honeymoons period. Was just thinking me and my husband's journey was rather different.

I guess we were both very different, and had come into marriage with different expectations. But I don't really think that's the reason for the many disputes.. I needed... or we both needed to know how to become 1.

Essentially, 2 cannot become 1 but must become 1 through the process of dying to self.

Good thing is, when you die to self and your rights.. wala... abundant life begins! :)We seldom disagree on anything now - from priorities, ministry, family etc.. hehe..

Thank you Lord!

Extreme Thankfulness

Tears fill my eyes when I was just looking through my blog. God has always answered my prayers.

Particularly, the portion about Daughter :)

Seeing my 12 get married the last 2 years was really special and such great privilege for me. Esp Calyn.. seeing her transform, and trust the Lord and finally walking down the aisle was such a great privilege for me.

I want to see more of my 12 get married, Lord. To the right man, Your chosen man for them.

Jo is now 19 going 20 months. Looking at her baby photos are such a milestone... for me! Jo represents overcoming for me. She has taught me to overcome. She has taught me to trust in the Lord. She has taught me to worship the Lord. She... has brought me so much joy.

Thank you Lord. Your ways are higher than mine.