It's nearly 2 years

When Johanna was born on 8 Sep 2008, I imagined it would be the happiest time of my life. However, to be honest, its now the greatest testimony of God's goodness as it was the darkest moment of my journey on Earth (with a laugh).

Within 12 hours after an easy delivery, the hormomal fluctuations resulted in sudden heart palpitations, cold sweat and yup - panick attack. Coupled with severe blood loss due to the delivery, I had excruciating headaches and fainting spells by the very day Jo was born. I could not sleep and almost immediately, doctors suspected thyroid or something worse - post natal depression.

Tests were conducted, and within days, it was confiremd. PND. Yikes.

I had no idea what it was then. What accompanied was 10 days of no sleep (I just can't sleep), excruciating headaches and simply "out of control" feeling. I really don't know what was happening to me, why it was happening to me. I tried to pray - can't. Tried to worship - can't. Yet, through it all, my determined mind got the better of me - I insisted on breast feeding totally.

I was so drained by 3 wks - which then I was still sleeping less than 2hrs a day and virtually not eating anything except painkillers for the headache. I had refused sleeping pills for fear of breast feeding and addiction myself. I was so desperate for a breakthrough. Yet honestly, I felt God so far away. "Why was this happening? Where are you Lord? Is my faith fake?"

People who came to visit got a shock to see me. Yes, I hit the bottom pit when at wk 3 - Jo bit my nipple so hard it bled so bad, I had to stop breastfeeding for a few days to let it heal.

That was God's intervention. He was moving.

When we had to bottle feed Jo due to the nipple issue, I broke down. That release, that cry unplugged all the tiredness and tension in me. I started to be able to pray, worship and read His word. It was break-through point.

Within days, I was back breastfeeding. Though my breastfeeding times coincided with the panick attacks frequently. The Holy Spirit inspired me to meditate on the verses Phil 4:13 as well as Psalm 121 whenever I breastfeed to garner strength to finish the feed. That, went on for 1 year. Slowly, the frequency and intensity of the attacks slowed.

It explains why 1 yr after Jo's birth, that I really regained my health through adequate sleep, diet and exercise. Before that, I was constantly tired and really not myself. :)

My view of why things happen? Yes, darkness was behind it. But God allowed it. Why so cruel? No, He knows there were mindsets in me that needed to change. He also knows I need the breaking.

Brokenness is the mark of Spiritual Maturity. It was necessary for me - I am who I am today,due to that breaking.

I know what matters in life now, abit more than I used to. I also know Christ more than I used to.

I treasure my life alot more.. and life it with a huge sense of purpose.

God be all Glory!